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Welcome to our Music Joke Page!

We would love to have you make a contribution so that others can enjoy and have a great laugh or two! Email us with some of your own "note" worthy musical jokes... We will have our "staff" put the best ones on our page!



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a day job!!!!!!!!!


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MUSIC JOKES!


music jokes humor What do you call a soprano who can sight read? An Alto
Nikki Ann, Lacey High School Marching Band and Concert Choir - Lacey Township, New Jersey - Clarinet/Singer/Songwriter

music jokes humor Why are trombone players better lovers? Well, trumpet players do it with three fingers, baritone players do it with four fingers, but trombone players do it in seven positions!
Martin - tuba, trom, bass, vocals, piano

music jokes humor What is the difference between a soprano and a rotweiller? Jewelry!
Indizone

music jokes humor What do you throw a drowning bass player? His amp!
Warren Brown



music jokes humor I guess by now you've all heard about the guy who held 100 accordion players hostage and, unless he was given $10,000,000, threatened to release one an hour.
Recycled Music Jokes Archive

music jokes humor What do you call a group of drummers standing in a circle? A dope ring.
Recycled Music Jokes Archive

music jokes humor What is the difference between a musician and a savings bond? Eventually the bond will mature and earn money.
Recycled Music Jokes Archive

music jokes humor What is "perfect pitch?" When you toss an accordion into the toilet bowl without hitting the rim.
Recycled Music Jokes Archive

music jokes humor How can you tell if the drum riser is level? The drool is coming out of both sides of his mouth.
Warren Brown

music jokes humor How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? 5, 1 to change the bulb and 4 to hold the lead guitarist out of the light.
Warren Brown

music jokes humor Why do rock bands have roadies? To act as interpreters for the drummer.
Warren Brown

music jokes humor What is Perfect Pitch? When you throw a banjo into the dumpster and it lands RIGHT EXACTLY ON TOP of the bagpipe!
Ross MacRae - Kazoo - Arlington VA - Family Entertainer Since 1979

music jokes humor What is the difference between government bonds and trumpet players? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money!
Chelsea - Bixby High School Marching Band - Clarinet

music jokes humor How do you know a trombone player's kids are on the playground? They can't swing and complain about the slide!
Chelsea - Bixby High School Marching Band - Clarinet

music jokes humor A couple of enterprising bass players, unwilling to sit through a long, bass-less stretch of Beethoven's Ninth, sneaked off stage and into the bar next door. Beer flowed; time passed. "Look at the time! We have to get back!" said one. "Relax," said his partner, "I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to untangle it." They staggered back into the hall and took their places. About this time, a member of the audience noted that the conductor was breaking a sweat. "Of course," replied her companion, "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score's tied, and the bassists are loaded!"
Jerry Herbstreit - Music lover in Milwaukee, WI

music jokes humor What's half of a tuba? A one-ba!
ACB - flute - Maine

music jokes humor How many professional trombone players does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Professional trombone players can't afford light bulbs.
Joey DeSena - Trombone, Euphonium, Piano - Hendersonville, North Carolina

music jokes humor Kenny G walks into an elevator and says "This rocks!"


Michael Beachwood - guitar, vocals, singer-songwriter

music jokes humor If you're in a room with Adolph Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Kenny G, but you only have a gun with 2 bullets, what do you do? Shoot yourself.
Michael Beachwood - guitar, vocals, singer-songwriter


Bridge Across The Barrier - Songs For Spiritual Insight


music jokes humor What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboists playing in perfect unison!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up an oboe!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicapped zones!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax? The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor How do you improve the aerodynamics of a musician's car? Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What kind of calendar does a musician use for his gigs? "Year-at-a-glance"!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What's the range of a tuba? About twenty yards, if you have a good arm!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What does a musician say when he gets to work? "Would you like fries with that, sir?"
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have machines to do that now!

music jokes humor Why are a violinist fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor Why is a violinist like a scud missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What do violists use for birth control? Their personalities!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What's the difference between violists and terrorists? Terrorists have sympathizers!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to re-train the cellists!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end... it would be a good idea!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? The sack!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What's the definition of an optimist? A choral director with a mortgage!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? They've had so little use!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the sound!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? You can negotiate with the PLO!
Mark Valentine - Guitar


CLICK HERE to experience romantic, tropical Maui pop music!


music jokes humor Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? A bassoon burns longer!
Jonathan Roberts - RI - Piano, Saxophone and Clarinet

music jokes humor Jimmy: "Mommy, I want to be a trombone player when I grow up." Mother: "But Jimmy, you can't do both!"
Heather S. - Euphonium - Northern Kentucky

music jokes humor How do you keep a trombonist from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
Heather S. - Euphonium - Northern Kentucky

music jokes humor What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless!
Stephanie - Piano, Clarinet, Bassoon - Arlington Heights, Illinois

music jokes humor What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter? Eventually the puppy stops whining!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? New Age music!
Mark Valentine - Guitar

music jokes humor What is better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ!
K. V. - White House Intern & Organist - Maui, Hawaii

music jokes humor What do pirates and trumpet players have in common? They are both murder on the high C's!
Rachel S. - Trumpet, Clarinet, Flute, Sax, Oboe, Trombone, French Horn and Tuba - Eureka, CA

music jokes humor The difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman is that the Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off 'a my cloud", and the Scotsman says, "hey McCloud, get off 'a my ewe!"
From Livestock - Yasha Harari

music jokes humor What is another term for trombone? A wind driven, manually operated pitch approximator!
Mitch - Keyboards - Fort Lauderdale, Florida

music jokes humor How many country musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Five... one to change it, and four to sing about it... since it's been gone!
Mitch - Keyboards - Fort Lauderdale, Florida

music jokes humor Why did God give tuba players 5% more brain matter than he did horses? So they would know not to poop during a parade!
Brian - Trumpet / Band Director - Van Buren, Arkansas

music jokes humor There was a boy in kindergarten who played the viola. One day, he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced counting! I got all the way up to 10, but most of the kids messed up around 6 or 7!!!" and his mom said, "Good, that's because you're a violist." The next day he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced the alphabet! I got all the way to the end, but most of the kids got messed up around "s" or "t"!" and his mom said, "Good, that's because you're a violist." The next day, he came home and said "Mommy, guess what, they measured us today and I'm the tallest person in the whole class!!! Is that because I'm a violist, too?" and his mom said, "No, dear, that's because you're 25 years old."
Alexandria Marino - Bridgeport, WV - Violin, Flute, Harp, Voice

music jokes humor How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Five... One to change the bulb, and four to complain that it is ELECTRIC!
Dan Neff - Guitar, Bluegrass Guitar - Indianapolis, Indiana

music jokes humor Why did Bach get rid of all of his chickens? Because his audience, at every concert, kept yelling... "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach!
Michael Beachwood - Singer/Songwriter - Maui, Hawaii

music jokes humor What can you say about 3 band directors neck high in cement? Not enough cement!
Angela (Lady Arwen) Phillips - Huntington, Texas - Percussion

music jokes humor How do you get a band director out of a tree? Cut the rope!
Angela (Lady Arwen) Phillips - Huntington, Texas - Percussion

music jokes humor Remember, wind kicks brass!
Angela (Lady Arwen) Phillips - Huntington, Texas - Percussion

music jokes humor What is the difference between a Trumpet player and a government bond? A government bond eventually matures and earns money!
Josh Jerge - Trumpeter - Vallejo, CA

music jokes humor Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, she'll stand at the piano drinking a diet coke while she has her accompanist do it!
Jon Huff - saxophone, clarinet, flute, bassoon player - St. Louis MO

music jokes humor They say most guys only have one girl...but a guitar player always has his pick
DF - Mendocino, California - Guitar

music jokes humor What key do you play the tight-rope walkers waltz in? C sharp...or B flat!
DF - Mendocino, California - Guitar

music jokes humor What do you do with a bad trumpet player? Give him two sticks and make him a percussionist... What do you do with a bad percussionist? Take one stick away and make him a conductor!
Tara Kelly - Flute - Overland Park, KS

music jokes humor What the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline..... You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline!

music jokes humor How do you keep two flute players in tune.... Shoot one of them!

music jokes humor What's the difference between a violin and a cello.... The cello burns longer!

music jokes humor How do you know if a drummer is knocking at your door...... The knock speeds up!

    Simon Kafka - Jazz guitarist


music jokes humor Why did Bach have twenty children? His organ had no stops! - Richard Hendlin


music jokes humor A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line... by Donn Laurence Mills

If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player).

    1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs!
    2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor!
    3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure!
    4. Look the other way just before cues!
    5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds... Percussion players must never have all their equipment!
    6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change! Ask often! Give the impression you're about to quit! Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor!
    7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions! Brass players: drop mutes! Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds!
    8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, Oboe and Clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
    9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time! (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part!)
    10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing!
    11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music!
    12. Look at your watch frequently! Shake it in disbelief occasionally!
    13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat!" Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently!
    14. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece! Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it! Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
    15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it! Don't say anything: make him wonder!
    16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns! Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert!
    17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget!
    18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all! Better yet... nonchalantly put away your instrument! Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important!

    It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life:

    Just who do conductors think they are, anyway???

      Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds music degrees from Northwestern University and Eastman School of Music. A conductor and music educator, he is also the American educational director for the Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.

        Merlin Hilburn - Percussion - Omaha, NE


music jokes humor What did a piano player say to a tightrope walker? You better C sharp or you'll B flat! - Ivan Dolgintsev - Rutgers University


music jokes humor A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned your house down." The violist replied, "you're kidding!! The conductor came to my house?"

music jokes humor A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asks the violist. "what's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, " I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"

music jokes humor Why is a violist like a terrorist? They both screw up bowings!

    Jessica Embry - string bass, violin - Clarksburg, WV


music jokes humor Why do trumpet players only use one hand to play their instrument? A: Because the other one is too busy!

music jokes humor Why do all the girls want to date the Alto players? A: They are so SAXY!

music jokes humor Why would anyone want to be the last chair in the flute section? A: To keep the Oboe player company!

music jokes humor Why did the Trombone player break up with the Violinist? A: She kept "Stringing" him along!

    Jude Leigh - Flute/Sax/Oboe - Oklahoma City, Oklahoma


music jokes humor Why don't they make mutes for clarinets? It would be a waste of time--it would take a lot more than a mute to make a clarinet sound good! - Rachel S. - California Trumpet, clarinet, piano, sax, and flute


music jokes humor My piano teacher is really religious. Every time I play, she closes her eyes, shakes her head and says, "Oh Lord." - Elissa Cox, Flute/Piano/Vocalist - Fairview, Utah


music jokes humor What is the difference between a viola that got ran over and a skunk that got ran over? The skunk has skid marks in front of it! - Sugar Land, Texas


music jokes humor Q: What are the dynamics of a bass trombone? A: On and off! - Peter Denner


music jokes humor Be kind to animals - Feed the drummer before rehearsal!! - Josh Kissling - Percussion - Chicago IL


music jokes humor When will the world end? When the violin strikes half past!

music jokes humor What's the difference between jazz and bluegrass? A baby blue suit and half a million drum sets!

    Wade Williams - Trumpet/Organ - Baltimore, Maryland


music jokes humor How do you make an oboe player quit his job? Give him 50 cents! - Rex Havoc - Salt Lake City, Utah - oboe, bass, cello, drums, piano, trumpet, trombone, sax, violin, accordion, viola, percussion, bagpipes


music jokes humor How do you make a Euphonium sound like a French Horn?... Stick your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes! - Lanny "Bubbles" Heidbreder - Trombone, BARELY piano


music jokes humor What is the bell of a bass clarinet used for? To hold the ashes of the clarinet!

music jokes humor What is the difference between a stage coach driver and a conductor? A stage coach driver only has to look at four assholes!

music jokes humor How do you know if a soprano is at your door? She doesn't know when to come in!

music jokes humor What is an oboe used for? To start the bassoon on fire!

    Kelli Dickinson


music jokes humor What's the difference between a soprano and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it on the forehead!! - GB - Euphonium, Trombone, Piano


music jokes humor How many French horn players does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. We're above manual labor! - SMS - horn/piano - Houston, TX


music jokes humor Q: What is the least heard phrase in music? A: "Would the bassoonist please remove his Ferrari from the driveway as it is blocking the way!" - From Brahn - Sydney, Australia - Bassoon, Saxophone


music jokes humor Q: What's the difference between the front desk of violas and the back desk of violas? A: At least a semi-tone! - Zeus T. Serious - Trombone/Bass guitar/Drums/Guitar/Banjo/Kazzo/Steel Pan - Nottingham, England


music jokes humor Q: What is brown and black and looks good on a conductor? A: a Doberman! - Jan Drury - Trombonist - Perth, Western Australia


music jokes humor How do you know if a drummer is at your door? He doesn't know when to come in! - Lowflow1 - Trombone - SF, CA


music jokes humor A woman and her friend are walking down the sidewalk when they come upon a frog. The frog looks up at them and says, "Please help me, I'm a jazz saxophonist and a witch put a horrible spell on me and turned me into a frog. If one of you picks me up and kisses me, the spell will be broken and I'll turn back into a jazz saxophonist... I'll marry you, play you the most beautiful songs all the time, take you to all my gigs if you want, and we'll live happily ever after." The woman picks up the frog, puts it in her handbag and starts walking away very quickly. Her friend runs to catch up to her & asks, "Aren't you going to kiss the frog?!?!?" The woman replies, "Hell NO! A talking frog is worth a hell of lot more than a jazz saxophonist!"

music jokes humor How do you know there's a female vocalist at your door. She's knocking because she can't find her key!

music jokes humor How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, the keyboard player can do it with his left hand!

    Jeff Bichaylo - Keyboards - PA


music jokes humor So... Two Tuba Players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen! - Bryan Turkelson - Columbus, OH - Trombone/Kazoo


music jokes humor A jazz player dies and goes to heaven... (no that's not the joke)... Once he gets there, St. Peter points to where the heavenly jazz band is forming. The guy goes there and sees all of the greats that ever lived... Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, everybody! Duke Ellington was conducting the band. "Duke, this is some kind of band! I mean, you've got everybody here! This is great!" "Yeah," Duke replies, "it's okay." The jazz player is shocked. "OK? This is the greatest band ever!" Duke replied, "Yeah, the band's great. But see, God has this girlfriend, and she sings." - J. Smith - Bari Sax - Albuquerque, NM


music jokes humor Why couldn't Mozart find his piano teacher? He was Haydn! - R.L Columbus, NE


music jokes humor Women are like pianos.....If they're not upright, they're grand!!!

music jokes humor A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks. The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop." The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!" The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!" The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?" Wild-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"

music jokes humor "Madam, you have an instrument between your legs that could bring pleasure to thousands, yet you insist on sitting there and scratching it!" -- Sir Thomas Beechum, conductor, to a cellist with whose performance he was displeased!

music jokes humor And the Victor Borge Memorial Joke: What is the difference between a violin and a viola? The violin burns faster!

music jokes humor Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards? So they can park in handicapped zones!

music jokes humor What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching!

music jokes humor Why are violins smaller than violas? They are really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger!

music jokes humor Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the cellists!

music jokes humor What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? You can negotiate with the PLO!

music jokes humor Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? They've had so little use!

music jokes humor Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the sound!

    Zeus T. Serious - Trombone/Bass guitar/Drums/Guitar/Banjo/Kazoo - Nottingham, England


music jokes humor How can you tell when a drummer is at the door? The knock slows down! - R. Curry - Trombone - Salt Lake City, Utah


music jokes humor What is better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ! - S. Gasper - Trumpet - Wilkes-Barre, PA


music jokes humor How do you tune 2 piccolos? Shoot one!

music jokes humor How do you tune two oboes? Shoot them both!

    Marc Millstone - Saxophonist - Bridgeport, WV


music jokes humor What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians? A drummer! - CTS - guitar & bass - South Carolina


music jokes humor How do you slow down a drummer? Put music in front of them!

music jokes humor How do you stop a drummer from playing? Move the baton!

music jokes humor What did the drummer get on his Job ap? Drool!

    Merlin Hilburn, Drummer - Omaha, NE


music jokes humor How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes! - M.W. - Trombone - Oshawa, Ontario


music jokes humor How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have a machine that does that now! - Marsha Donner - Drummer - Dallas, TX


music jokes humor What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? Counterpoint!

music jokes humor What do you get if you drop a grand piano on an army officer? A flat major!

music jokes humor What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? It's all in the grip!

    Mick Becker - Drummer - San Francisco, CA


music jokes humor What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? You can tune the lawnmower!

music jokes humor What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato!

    Jeff Brigg - Saxophone - Roseburg, OR


music jokes humor If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? Answer... the out-of-tune sax player! Reason...the other two indicate you've been hallucinating!

music jokes humor What's the range of a tuba? 20 yards if you've got a good arm!

    James Reed - Saxophone - Denver, CO


music jokes humor How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving!

music jokes humor What's the difference between a violin and a viola? A viola burns longer!

music jokes humor How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice!

    Nancy Beam - Cello - Reno, Nevada


music jokes humor How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case! - Bev Ascot - Bassist - Baltimore, MD


music jokes humor What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers!

music jokes humor This guy says to his wife "Oh, baby, I can play you just like a violin." His wife says, "But I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

    B. "Blaster" Thomas - Lead Guitar - Los Angeles, CA


music jokes humor What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche!

music jokes humor How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in!

music jokes humor What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

    Nancy Austin - Orchestra - Fremont, CA


music jokes humor Country-Western Song Titles:

    "I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win"
    "My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart"
    "I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better"

      B. "Blaster" Thomas - Lead Guitar - Los Angeles, CA


music jokes humor What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A pair of Re-bachs!

music jokes humor What should you do if you run over a euphonium? Back up!

music jokes humor What is a perfect pitch? When you lob a piccolo into the toilet without hitting the rim!

music jokes humor Did you hear the one about the bass player who locked his keys in the car? It took two hours to get the drummer out!

music jokes humor What is a burning bassoon good for? Setting an oboe on fire!

    Rebel Coons - Euphonium/Flute/Piano/Singer - Cherokee, NC


music jokes humor What does a trumpet player use for birth control? His personality!

music jokes humor How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? One, she just holds it in the socket and the world revolves around her!

music jokes humor How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? Five, one to hold the bulb and four to drink until the world spins!

music jokes humor What is the difference between an oboe and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe!

music jokes humor What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!

music jokes humor What is the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't!

music jokes humor Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? It is harder to hit a moving target!

music jokes humor How do you know you are kissing a horn player? He has his hand up your backside!

    Katie Nolan - Brisbane, Australia - Piano/Flute


music jokes humor What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? In an orchestra the horns are in the back and the ass is in the front!

music jokes humor How many trumpeters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 5... One to screw it in and the other four to stand around and talk about how much better they could have done it!

music jokes humor How do you get the percussionists to stop drooling? Tilt the stage!

    M. Healy - Trombone, Euphonium, & Piano


music jokes humor What does a trombone player say when he gets to his gig? Would you like fries with that?

music jokes humor How do you know if a child playing on the playground is a jazz trombone player's kid? He can't swing and he's afraid to use the slide!

music jokes humor How many trombone player's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to screw it in and four to bitch about how J.J. Johnson would have done it!

music jokes humor How many trombone player's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to hold the light bulb and four to drink scotch until the room spins!

music jokes humor Q: What does it say on the front of a trombone player's Gig book? "A year at a glance!"

music jokes humor How did the trombone player make his car more aero-dynamic? He took the shakey's pizza sign off the top!

music jokes humor Q: What's the range of a trombone? Depends on how hard you can kick it!

music jokes humor A traveling band pulled up to their gig in a van. The piano player who was driving realized to his horror that he had locked the keys in the van. It took them two hours to get the trombone player out! O.K. Who am I trying to fool? What would a trombone player be doing at a gig anyway?

music jokes humor Q: What do you call a trombone player who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless!

    Craig Burnett -Trombone - Nanaimo B.C. Canada


music jokes humor What do trombone players say when you answer the door? PIZZAMAN!!!

music jokes humor How do you get a guitar player to turn down? Put a chart in front of him!

music jokes humor How do you get a piano player to turn down? Take his chart away!

    B.K. - Vocals & Keyboard - Germany & Louisiana


music jokes humor Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?" Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!" She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!" Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

music jokes humor What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse on the inside!

    Mitch Goldstein - Keyboard - Fort Lauderdale, FL


music jokes humor If you see a violin player and a conductor in the street, which do you hit first and why? The conductor.... business before pleasure! - Carin Kilar - Flute

music jokes humor What do a conductor and a condom have in common? They are both safer WITH... and more fun WITHOUT! - Carin Kilar - Flute


music jokes humor What is the difference between a dead frog in the middle of the road and a dead trombone player in the middle of the road? The frog was on his way to a gig!

music jokes humor What is the ultimate optimist? A trombone player with a beeper! - Renato Guasconi - Drummer - Kihei, Hawaii


music jokes humor What is the definition of a gentleman? A man who, while he CAN play the trombone, chooses not to! - Phil Brink - Bass Trombone - Hong Kong Philharmonic Orchestra


music jokes humor How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five... one to screw it in and 4 to complain that it's to high! - Gina Trotta - Voice


music jokes humor What is a trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of grandeur!


music jokes humor What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? An Uzi only repeats 40 times.


music jokes humor Why do percussionists walk when they play? To get away from the noise.


music jokes humor How do you tune 2 oboes? Shoot one.


music jokes humor Why did the clarinet player put his case on his dashboard? So he could park in the handicapped spot.


music jokes humor How do you know when a percussionist is at the door? His knocks are off beat and he doesn't know when to come in.


music jokes humor What's the difference between a dead frog and a dead trombone player in the road? There're skid marks in front of the frog.


music jokes humor What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? "A" flat miner!


music jokes humor What is the definition of a minor second??? Two oboes playing in unison!


music jokes humor What do you get when you play country music backward? You get your house back, your truck back and your wife back!


music jokes humor What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A new age song!


music jokes humor How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: 10... 1 to screw it in and 9 to say, "Yeah, man, I can do that!"

music jokes humor Researchers wanted to determine if dogs took on the characteristics of their masters. So they set up an experiment in their lab with three dog owners and their dogs. The first owner was a mathematician, the second a chemist, the third a musician! The first dog, owned by the mathematician, was quite impressive, and when thrown a bunch of milk bones onto the floor, used her paws to begin arranging them into elaborate mathematical equations! "Pretty good!" said the researchers, "but not conclusive!" The second dog, owned by the chemist, when thrown a bunch of milk bones on the floor, began to arrange them to display complex chemical formulas! "Not bad!" said the researchers, "but still not conclusive enough!" However, the results of the third dog WERE very convincing in proving that dogs DO take on characteristics of their owners... for the musician's dog... came late, ate all the bones, made it with the other two dogs, then left early! - Michael Beachwood - Singer-Songwriter-Guitarist - Kula, Maui, Hawaii

music jokes humor Did you hear that last year all of Bach's original manuscripts began disappearing! Fearing the occult was to blame, researchers dug up his grave and found the answer... he was decomposing! - Michael Beachwood - Singer-Songwriter-Guitarist - Kula, Maui, Hawaii


Evil Laughs - Calvin & Hobbes

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Michael & Sheryl



LINKS TO OTHER MUSIC JOKE SITES...

Jokes Gallery - The funniest place on the web!

Music Jokes and Humorous Quotations - Music Humor! Entertaining Music Jokes and Quotations, brought to you by California Now/Now2000. Submit your own music joke!

Instrument Jokes! - A great collection of music jokes!


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