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Even
though I love what people learn in our workshops and how much
they take home that improves their life, I’ve been ready
for a while now to try some new things in the workshops we
teach and several recent experiences have combined to show
me where I want to go next. Below is a short little ramble
about all this.
I’ve
always been known for allowing people’s experiences and
having room for different needs when people come to a workshop,
but when teaching a workshop there needs to be a curiculum,
how else will people get what they came for? It can’t
just be some kind of free for all. The very safety we create
by structuring things very carefully is one of the hallmarks
of our work.
Recently
when working with couples privately I’ve come to see
how much I can move for them by getting to know exactly what
the issues are that they are working with. One or two sessions
followed by appropriate homework assignments can sometimes
move a couple into a whole new opening that they can work
with and benefit from for months to come. When teaching a
workshops I sometimes can not know what each individual or
couple is working with and so it’s just kind of hit and
miss, some exercises work great for them, others miss the
mark. So I’ve come to really appreciate the private work
and see it as a perfect addition to the workshops since they
are so complimentary. What I’ve also discovered to make
the sessions even more effective is that I like to talk to
each partner of the couple separately for a little while at
some point during our sessions. And the information I gather
enhances how I can serve them and their ability to experience
love.
Some
years ago, at least for the longer workshops, we used to have
a fairly extensive intake form that we had people fill out
so we would know at least a little bit about them, but sometimes
it would take us till the end of a 2 or 3 week program to
get through reading them all in our break time, so we dropped
that. Having individual time with each participant is a better
solution and I look forward to implementing this.
The
last women’s circle I guided is another recent experience
that helped clarify my intended new direction. When I work
with women I always allow for a lot of personal expression
as the concept of "follow the leader" doesn’t
really appeal to me in regards to a circle of women. So this
last one, it was Saturday afternoon. Everyone was in complelety
different spaces, some were energetic and ready to play, others
were tired, one woman had just opened to the grief of loosing
her mother. Even with as much space as I allow for changing
the structure or experience that I invite people into, it
just didn’t seem to fit. So I had to surrender to multiple
structures going on in the same space at the same time. Some
I designed, others were self created by the women themselves.
Setting it up took a little creativity, but the outcome was
fabulous. The positive feedback I got after the workshop was
overwhelming. So I’ve come to see that having a workshop
space where there is also individual attention and room for
more then one experience can be so effective and so healing
Now with the September 11th incident our enrollments numbers
have been lower then usual, so with a smaller group we feel
it is the perfect time to play with something new, to integrate
the two ways of learning into one weeklong sacred loving clinic,
custom made to address each person’s needs and learning
desires, yet at the same time enjoying the energetic support
and the playfullness that come from the community we create.
So we invite you to come play and learn with us, learning
how to open our hearts even wider.
For
a new description of the Tantra Counseling sessions, as I
call them, go to TantraCounseling,
to read the new question and answer section on workshops go
to FAQ
Back
to Sacred Loving Retreat Series
Tantra
Counceling for Couples
by Niyaso Carter
Private sessions and vacation packages for couples of all
agegroups and backgrounds that offer guidance on the journey
toward fulfillment and sacredness in love-making and intimate
relating.
Many couples recognize that receiving information and support
from outside of their relationship is an ingredient that makes
opening and being together in new ways more likely, much easier,
more effective and fun. Tantra Counselling is the tool I use
to support couples in this blossoming of their relationship.
Couples enjoy these sessions as part of their vacation in
beautiful Hawaii, which is often the perfect time to open
anew in love, expand the capacity for joy and ecstasy or address
specific issues that have been troublesome. Offering many
new tools, information and practices the sessions serve as
an inspiration and a supportsystem for the couple to explore
new ways of relating, finding deeper intimacy and expanded,
more fullfilling sexual pleasure.
The usual package we create for people is 2 to 5 sessions
2 to 3 days apart with homework assignements and exercise
practices given for the in between time. However, any number
of sessions is possible and some couples choose to come daily.
Couples from off island usually take a day or two to unwind
and begin with the session once they feel aclimatized.
The beginning of the first session is check- in time where
I ask both partners of the couple what they are wishing to
learn in these sessions, what their issues are in relationship
and sexuality and what they are hoping to experience as a
result of the sessions. I will then make suggestions taking
in to account my background in Tantra, Eastern spiritual practices
as well as psychology and devise a course of learning and
experiencing during the sessions that is most appropriate
for the growth and fullfillment of the couple's relationship
at that time. The main part of the sessions consist of learning
exercises and practices, and opening communication skills,
with room for sharing as we go along. At the end of the session
homework assignements are given. The sessions range anywhere
from simply verbal instructions, sharing and discussion, to
guided meditations, communication exercises, guided tantric
practices and sacred rituals similar to what we do in our
workshops. No explicit sexual activities are required during
the sessions.
In the following sessions, I begin by reviewing with the
couple how the assignements went, discuss any difficulties
they might have experienced with the material or answer any
questions that have arisen. Once the intergration of the homework
is complete I move on to expand on what's been learned and
bring in new material as it is appropriate. This way a progressive
opening experience takes place. There may also be times when
I work separately with one or both partners.
The learnings that happen during these sessions may include:
energy exercises, breathing exercises, centering meditations,
communication exercises, active listening, no blame sharing,
tantric exercises, information about sexual issues, tantric
information, problemsolving for difficulties.
There is a lot of flexibility as to how the sessions progress
to be sure the couples goals are met in the most delightful
and effective way. The couple and each partner in the couple
individually is invited and supported to help shape the sessions
so that they are easy and comfortable throughout .
And if you don't wish to stay in the tourist areas of Maui
we are able to assist you with finding exquisite and off the
beaten track accommadtion in lovely local areas . Let us know
if you would like our help with that.
The video The Secrets of Sacred Sex that I cocreated with
an Australian director some years ago is a good introduction
to some of the basic tantric ideas presented in the Tantra
Counseling sessions. The sessions themselves span a much broader
range of topics.
The video in itself is a valuable tool for inspiring and
enhancing your sexual life. To order the video see box below.
For information or to book for sessions call 1-800-688-1715
or ph/fax (808) 572-2234 email: niyaso @maui.net
Video & Audio orders
Audio tape," Journey to the Source of your Pleasure"
with Paul Carter $10.00+$2.50 S&H.
Video The Secrets of Sacred Sex $ 30 + $5 S&H
send check/moneyorder to payable to: Niyaso Carter PO Box
38, Paia, HI 96779
Back to Top of Page
Health
Sexuality, Fulfilling Relationships
by Niyaso Christine Carter
About the Sacred Loving workshops and the
Body, Heart and Soul Training
Despite all the exposure that sex has in
the media these days it still remains a topic of great mystery
and confusion. How do we define a healthy sexuality? Personally
I find the answer is not at all easy. But just for fun and
to give you some food for thought I'd like to draw you a
picture.
A sexually healthy being, to me, is someone
who is able to experience their own body as a pleasurable
place to be, who can receive touch and enjoy it, someone
who knows what touch they like and what touch they don't
like and is able to communicate these facts clearly and
effortlessly. Someone who finds the act of lovemaking, when
they choose to engage in it, pleasurable and fulfilling
most of the time and ecstatically inspiring and deeply moving
at least some of the time. Someone who is able to be honest
about whether or not they are enjoying a fulfilling sex
life because they trust and listen to themselves. Someone
who has the ability to choose a partner or partners that
they can find fulfillment and growth with in the matters
of love as well as sex; and who is able to sustain such
relationships. Someone who knows how to enjoy themselves
alone, live fully with others and transform their sexual
energy into any creative act they wish.
Often when I tell people about the work
that I do, they react skeptically and find it hard to believe
that there are workshops available where people learn about
sexuality in a way that has integrity. This skepticism is
very valid in a world where there is so much confusion,
disappointment and abusiveness around the topics of love
and sexuality. It is no small task to create a workshop
that is at the same time profoundly opening and completely
safe. Paul and I and our team are continuously fine-tuning
the way we present structures and processes in our workshops,
making them more effective and safe. We have come a long
way since we first started presenting sexuality workshops
as the Body, Heart & Soul Education 12 years ago. We
create the context in which the participants are invited
to play, honoring their needs and boundaries and giving
them the opportunity to learn and practice healthier ways
of relating and loving. Learning in this way is truly empowering.
Sometimes when I think of how my work is
most simply described I'd say it's my job to help people
learn to enjoy themselves more, to help women and men awaken
their passion and pleasure and rediscover their joy and
open to love; and if they already enjoy these qualities
in their life, to expand their capacity for them. This sounds
pretty trivial but it really isn't at all. Because on this
journey of finding your happiness, joy and pleasure everything
that's in the way will present itself for healing and transforming
and that is no small endeavor. We all have our places of
darkness; my own journey for example has brought me to my
knees a many many times over the years. But in the process
it's opened me and it's also given me first hand experience
and training in trauma and recovery work. It's challenged
me to look at the work that I do from yet another perspective
and I was pleased to discover that it is good and the changes
I've made because of my experiences feel like a natural
evolution rather than a change of direction. So these journeys
we make into the underworld always reveal themselves as
a blessing in the end.
Today there is a tremendous need for programs
that teach congruently in the area of sexuality, especially
considering statistics that show that every third woman
and every tenth man in Western society has experienced some
form of sexual abuse or molestation by the time they are
18. Not to mention the moderate to severe wounding incurred
by the "normal" sexually repressive upbringing
most of us have had. And things are not really getting any
better in the world at large.
People often ask if we teach Tantra. In
our programs we do teach techniques and offer rituals, some
of which are derived from ancient practices. There are workshops
that teach techniques for spiritual sexuality, generally
termed Tantra workshops. They can be very valuable but rarely
do these workshops address issues like the need to learn
about boundaries or how to negotiate the different feelings
that come up when energetic opening happens. It is simply
not their focus. Yet it often is the sexually wounded, whether
they are consciously aware of it or not, who seek out these
Tantra groups because they promise what these people so
rightly long for; sensual sexual fulfillment, intimacy and
love.
Then there is the self help and recovery
movement, with books on codependence, sex addiction and
abuse healing and the twelve-step groups, which provide
crucial information and support. They are very good at describing
symptoms and explaining them, an important first step that
helps people stop their self-destructive behaviors. But
they devote little time to the how to's of finding your
passion and joy again. Not to have the wrong kind of sex
is good, but it's not enough. Finding good support can be
pretty hard for those looking for help with their pain and
in finding joy. No matter how much we talk about ecstasy,
unconditional love, and honoring ourselves, it is the trial
and error real-life learning that makes a difference. To
do this learning in a safe, informative setting is invaluable.
What we have created in the Sacred Loving
workshops and the Training is a comprehensive program that
brings together the teachings, learnings and rituals so
often held separate in a society, where spirituality, psychology
and biology are taught in fragmented compartments rather
than as interrelated aspects of life. Our workshops are
safe, they are fun and they really work. I invite you to
come play, heal and transform with us.
Current schedules on the Sacred Loving
Back to Top of Page
Trust
Your Pleasure
by Niyaso Christine Carter
Pleasure is how the body expresses well-being.
Ease, a sense of well-being and pleasure are things every
human being deserves, in fact, needs to experience in order
to have a fulfilled life. Our emotions and what's going
on in our mind are important factors in our sense of well-being,
but they need to be experienced in the body to be real and
complete. And it is also the body that can offer us some
important clues in how to feel well. In fact I believe that
if we only would learn to listen to our bodies fully we
wouldn't need to worry for a second about the well-being
of our heart and our soul.
Listening to the body is a skill that can
take quite some patience and practice to rediscover or uncover.
Growing up for many of us has been an intensive training
in how to ignore our body and its messages and signals,
how to use our mind to make our body fit into the norms
of society, how to make our bodies either rigid and armored,
or apathetic and floppy depending on what assured our survival
in any given situation. As a result we've lost the primitive,
instinctual animal body-sensing abilities that are a crucial
part in achieving well-being. But we all have the basic
knowing of health imprinted in every cell of our body, and
not only a knowing of physical health but also of emotional
and spiritual health. Ancient cultures knew this, that's
why most of their ceremonies and rituals, their efforts
to connect with the great spirit, included some form of
dance, movement or other body-centered experience. And the
drums were there to reawaken the instinctual cellular memory
of the heart beat of mother earth. In the Hawaiian Huna,
the ancient spiritual tradition from the islands that are
my home, the lower self or body is considered a crucial
element in the trinity of high self, conscious self and
low self, without whose cooperation not much can be achieved.
In my workshops I often find myself saying:
"Let your body move in ways that feel good, follow
your sense of pleasure, trust your pleasure." It sounds
so strangely simple, almost trivial, but the experience
of actually doing that is anything but trivial, because
listening to the immediate impulses of the body brings you
in touch with the feelings in your heart and the yearnings
of your soul.
Listen intently to what makes you feel good,
because some feel goods have more the quality of a quick
fix; like a hurried masturbation, they release some tensions,
they temporarily ease things, but there is no movement or
growth. The kind of pleasure I'm suggesting you pursue is
different. It's the kind of good feeling when some new way
is discovered, some long-lost feeling felt, an opening achieved,
a deeper more relaxing breath experienced, one that makes
you feel bubbly, inspired, that gives you a kind of renewed
trusting that after all there are such things as ease, balance
and joy in life.
Not that any attempt at making yourself
feel good is bad, it's just that some are more life-giving
than others. For example, you could argue: "My body
always takes me straight to the refrigerator or the chocolate
bar or the beer bottle or to the next bar to find someone
to have sex with." And you are right, these are impulses
propelled by the body's desire for pleasure. There is a
certain way of seeking pleasure that doesn't lead to healing
but rather to destruction and often to addiction. What these
addictive ways of pleasure-seeking have in common is that
even though they may give intensely pleasurable experiences
at the time, they usually leave the seeker/addict less inspired
and more desperate, even disgusted with themselves after
the high has worn off.
It is important to understand that the body's
impulse for pleasure is never wrong, rather it is the inability
to choose healthy ways of feeling good. People who have
destructive pleasure habits have probably never had healthy
ways of feeling good available to them, so they don't have
the internal memory or resources to seek them out. But seeking
well-being and a way out of pain is actually a healthy drive
and once a person's body and being has experienced life-affirming
ways of feeling well and the person has learned how to access
and trust those ways they will usually choose them over
the more destructive ones, even though there may be momentary
discomfort as old wounds open and heal.
To distinguish the pleasure-seeking that
opens new doors from that which is just an avoidance of
pain is an especially important question in the area of
sexuality and relationship. Good questions to ask yourself
are: "Does this pleasure reach my heart and my gut
and my whole body? Does this pleasure feel nurturing and
expansive? Does this pleasure delight me? Does my being
open with it like a flower to the morning sunshine? Does
it feel right? And afterwards ask yourself: "Do I feel
replenished and enriched or do I feel drained, exhausted
and numb?"There is a lot to learn about opening to
pleasure. Too much of our upbringing has taught us to distrust
our good feelings. We were too sensual, too noisy, too wild,
too quiet, too much of something or other. Some people are
literally afraid of their body's impulses, and some have
deadened them altogether. Yet our desire for pleasure is
the physical form of our yearning for God.
When we consciously practice opening to
our pleasure more deeply, all the stuff that's in the way
presents itself: the shame, the fear, the distrust, the
hurt. Opening to more energy, more pleasure, more of life
is very often a process with "growing pains";
the dark challenging the light. It almost always takes a
great deal of courage. Sometimes you may have to stop, take
a deep breath, and let your body tremble, cry, shake or
simply rest. You will likely come across a few hurdles on
the way; but hurdles are surmountable, no matter how huge
they may seem, and you'll be happier and richer for the
experience.
So here is an assignment for you if you
want to take it on. For a week, make a point of pursuing
something that gives you pleasure, that increases your well-being,
at least once but preferably three times a day. Choose things
you consider life-enhancing, but the main criterion is that
they feel good. Some very simple examples would be to give
yourself permission to shine on the housework one day just
because you'd rather rest; or to go to the gym or for a
hike even though it's not your regular time but simply because
your body has an itch to move; to turn the music on loud
in your office and dance to your favorite song in the middle
of the day; to buy a nice oil; to talk to the stars; to
ask for a cuddle; to cry with a friend; or spend time alone
in prayer and meditation. Some could take 5 minutes and
others much longer. After a week, take note how your life
is affected by your little experiment. And if you like it,
keep trusting your pleasure.
For more info and current schedules
on the Sacred Loving Workshops
Back to Top of Page
What
Heals, How do We Grow?
by Niyaso Carter
Every human being is inherently good and
beautiful and even though their action may seem strangely
contradictory, every being is striving toward understanding
of their deeper nature and desiring to move toward light,
God, wholeness, enlightenment or whatever you want to call
it. All the human drama is just steps along the way. Knowing
this however doesn't always make the human drama/trauma
any easier to deal with, as I'm sure many of you have experienced
first hand many times. How many of you have struggled with
a particular situation knowing full well that there must
be an easier way to be with it and yet you didn't find the
way through. Sometimes it's merely slightly annoying and
other times we feel like we are trapped in hell. That's
the human experience. There is a lot of glossing over, distracting
and pretending that can happen along the journey in the
name of non-attachment and transformation but that's missing
the true beauty, aliveness and depth of the process of life.
Besides many of the tricks we learn to cope with and survive
life only work temporarily; even though temporary could
mean a lifetime or more.
So what heals and how do we grow? Being
in the profession of helping people with their journey,
as well as being a journeyer myself (sometimes a struggling
one), this has always been one of the most significant questions
for me personally and professionally.
The best and simplest definition that I've
ever come across of what a therapist, teacher, healer or
guide is meant to be, is the following phrase by Abram Kardiner
quoted by Judith Lewis Herman in her book Trauma and Recovery:
"The role of the therapist is that of an assistant
to the client, whose goal is to help the client do the job
that he/she is trying to do spontaneously." What's
implied here is that our being knows how to heal. Our body,
our nervous system and our psyche have the innate ability
to restore health and well-being given time and the appropriate
support. Our soul is naturally seeking wholeness. I especially
like the phrase"being an assistant to the client,"
putting my skills and resources at the disposal of the client
but always honoring the fact that the client is in charge
of their own process. Given enough space and support they
probably know better what they need than I do.
A good therapist or guide in my eyes is
someone who is a good listener and never insists that he/she
is right. Making suggestions, offering possibilities, of
course, but never forcefully pushing their concepts and
opinions no matter how right or valuable they might be.
No two people are alike, no two situations are the same
and everyone's journey is unique.The person and their experience
is always more important than any concept of what might
help them. Our souls have their own timetable and we as
healers are only here to support and ease the way.
What heals? How do we grow? What's the way
to wholeness? have also been key questions in most spiritual
traditions since time immemorial. The whole master disciple
relationship was centered around them. Now with modern day
complexities, these questions are even more meaningful.
It was a little easier in the 60's and 70's when there really
weren't all that many different workshops and teachers available.
We all just went for what was new and exciting; everything
was worth a try. And so we grew. And now here we are in
the 90's and what's being offered has grown too. Certainly
the variety is immense. "What do you think heals?"
is a good question to ask the therapists and teachers you
want to go to or whose workshop you're considering joining.
Especially when you are feeling vulnerable it's a difficult
time to go out there and seek help, chances are you will
find only too many people who want to give you their answer
and advice instead of listening and supporting you till
you find your own way. I've had all kinds of experiences
myself in trying to get help. Many very good ones fortunately,
and some total disasters also. One danger in the growth
movement is the quick-fix mentality; just like fast-food
is quite tasty, this may give you lots of experience in
the moment but maybe not always much nourishment or integration.
We all like the idea of all our troubles gone forever in
one big bang, and so we are attracted to experiences that
promise this - but that's not necessarily how things work.
One of my teacher's slogans is "slow is faster"
, and I've seen the validity of her words many times. Sometimes
taking lots of time to relax, breathe and build safety is
like fertilizing the ground before the flowers can blossom.
In ancient times every village or culture
had their elders, shamans and wise women and they were available
for everyone in times of spiritual, emotional or physical
need. That's how wisdom and spiritual understanding were
passed on. It was an absolutely crucial part of the socialstructure
that kept everyone nurtured and in touch with the depth
of life. I view todays workshops as much needed modern day
mystery schools, the 20th century evolvement of ancient
day teachings, rituals and rites of passage. In the development
of the Sacred Loving workshops over the many years we've
led them now, we've created such a learning context, a space
where people are honored and deep growing can take place.
To be a conscious (or an educated) consumer
in the new age world of spirituality and enlightenment is
no easy task as you are seeking to find someone who sees
you more clearly than you can yourself. Since there is much
to choose from, my simplest suggestion to you for choosing
well where you go, is to give yourself permission to ask
questions, as many questions as you want, and then to let
your heart guide you.
Back to Top of Page
 The
Secrets of Sacred Sex
a video co-created by Cynthia Connop and
Niyaso Christine Carter
A Video Review
by Annie Brook
Tantra: The Magazine
This is an exquisite video. It addresses
Tantric sexual practices in a tasteful and comprehensive
manner. It is the most thoroughly sacred approach to sexuality
of all the contemporary informational videos I have seen.
The Secrets of Sacred Sex does far more than present information;
it models the tone and feeling of commitment to a Tantric
life-style. The commitment modeled uses sexuality as a vehicle
to discover the ongoing essence of intimacy and deepening
relating. Whether you are single or part of a couple, The
material here can be used over and over to deepen sacred
spirituality and increase one's ability to cultivate and
respond to refined sexual energy.
Tasteful is the key word in describing this
video. Sacred Sex sets the tone for Tantric intimacy. The
approach draws on beauty in both the presentation of the
teaching material and also in the completely sensual approach
to all the "lessons." The settings used, the clothing
worn, the sound quality and choices of camera angles all
contribute to a exquisite quality that is a delight to observe.
The video is designed to give people a chance
to view what it might be like to live a Tantric life-style
and experience profound sexual, emotional, and spiritual
connection and healing. The overall presentation is elegant,
artistic, and touchingly intimate. Sacred Sex does not present
material with either the down home casualness of a street
professional or the intellectual approach of a clinical
sex therapist. Real life couples express what they have
discovered through intimately sharing Tantric practices.
This video has some of the most poetic descriptions of subtle
energies arising out of the valley orgasm experience I have
ever witnessed. I would recommend the video for these descriptions
alone, as they so bring to life the possibilities of subtle
energy exchange and spiritual connection between partners.
While Sacred Sex does not cover a thorough explanation of
sexual anatomy in terms of the G-spot or specific ways of
touching the lingam, it does contain a wealth of specific
techniques to try. If anything, Sacred Sex may have more
material than can be absorbed in one sitting. However, the
content can be reviewed and digested over many viewings
to allow one to begin to embody the practices. Specific
material covered includes sexual health and vitality, relational/communication
practices, energy and breath practices, sensuality, and
an overview of the value of a Tantric relationship. This
is a chance to observe couples who have weathered the storms
and pleasures of daily life through their supportive commitment
to Tantric sexual healing with each other. Ancient Tantric
texts are referred to briefly, giving a context for the
material presented. You are then presented practices on
breath work, chakras, ejaculation control, pleasuring, pacing,
creating harmony, eye gazing, sensual massage, valley orgasm,
nurturing meditation and communication.
One particular aspect I appreciated is that
the couples presented, including a racially mixed couple,
appear to be practicing Tantrikas rather than models hired
to make an educational sex video. The more novice couple
was introduced as such; they were watching the video along
with the viewer and practicing the techniques. The other
couples shared from a more seasoned Tantric perspective.
The candid discussion of how the rocky times of relationship
can be supported through the use of Tantric practices was
also helpful. One is left feeling that this life-style can
be embodied by all of us within the context of life in the
world. Sacred Sex makes the pleasuring and relational aspects
of Tantric practice real and attainable. It is enjoyable
to watch people treat each other with loving intimacy. The
practices are sensitively modeled and followed by discussion
and interviews. This enables a cognitive understanding of
the theory behind the practice. There is an obvious commitment
by the authors to sexual healing and an increased embodiment
of love. I am grateful that such a film is available. Sacred
Sex shows how embodying Tantric practices in our intimate
lives can help us go deeper in both relating and in cultivating
compassion for one another. We highly recommend it' - Annie
Brook
Back to Top of Page Back
to Video Page To
Order this Video
Sacred
Sex Comes of Age
A Video Review
Consious Living Magazine Australia Jan/Feb
issue 1994
Sidenote: The film discussed in this article
and referred to as Sacred Sex 2, is known and sold
under different titles in various countries. In the US it
is known as The Secrets of Sacred Sex, in Germany
it is called Tantra Sex. It is also available in
many other countries. The film referred to in this articele
as Sacred Sex is a documentary film produced in Australia
and aired on television in Australia and England in 1991.
An early version of our Body, Heart & Soul workshops
is a prominent feature in this documentary. It is available
on video in some countries.
Cynthia Connop's first foray into the ancient
arts of Tantra exploded onto the screen in the form of the
outstanding film, Sacred Sex, cited as one of the
most controversial films of its time. Connop's sequel, Sacred
Sex 2, promises to be more educational then the first.
SHANNA PROVOST inerviews key people in the film.
CL: How did Saced Sex 2 come about?
CONNOP: We had created a whole wave of interest
after the documentary Sacred Sex and people wanted
more in-depth, more nitty gritty, practical information
on how to practise sacred sex. We had stimulated the topic
in people's minds-got people questioning and thinking aout
their sexuality and sexuality in general. Where Sacred
Sex provoked people to question, Sacred Sex 2
takes sex a bit deeper, showing in a practical sense what
it is people actually do to have sacred sex. It also looks
at how practicing sacred sex affects the modern relationship
and how it can enhance it.
CL: Was it easy to get couples to participate
in the film?
CONNOP: No, it was reasonably difficult
to get couples to match my brief. I wanted a range of ages
and types of people. Finding those people who were practising
sacred sex and who were willing and available to show that
in public wasn't easy. I also wanted genuine sacred sex
practitioners, not models. We used a closed set in Byron
Bay with a crew hand-picked for their sensitivity and interest
in the subject.
CL: Were aesthetics important to you?
CONNOP: Yes-it's more pleasant to watch
a beautiful body, but we didn't set out to find "perfect
bodies" for the film. A couple of the women were a
bit more on the generous side than if we'd used models,
but they look more like real people -- someone you might
know. We also used a make-up artist to help people enhance
their physical beauty. I was happy to use Diane and Kerry
because they are an attractive, more mature couple, so people
can see that sacred sex is not just for young beautiful
hunks. But don't forget, if you're having sacred sex, then
you are feeling yummy and- blissful anyway, and your body
takes on that glow.
CL: Who is this film for?
CONNOP: It's intended for a general audience,
particularly couples, but really for anyone interested in
transforming their sexuality -- and who knows who that person
will be? When Sacred Sex went to air I received letters
from the deep north of Queensland, Africa, the United States-
you just don't know who this topic will touch. I wanted
to present the ideas in an accessible, not esoteric way.
Let's face it, most people would wish to have fulfilling
sexual experiences, and if there's something you can watch
to help open the door, then that's great, whether you try
some of the techniques directly or just talk about it. I
hope it's an inspiration for those seeking sacred lovemaking.
CL: Was it difficult to shoot such an intimate
film?
CONNOP: I felt the couples were very I brave.
They all felt that the experience of being in the video
was a journey for them. 'They weren't just 'performing'
as we were filming, they were actually experiencing everything
and being very real about it. Some of them found it an opening
for their relationship to have witnesses to their intimacy.
I'm so happy that you can really feel the commitment from
the couples in the film.
CL: What are your aspirations for the film?
CONNOP: I'd really like people
to see it and be inspired by it. I want the film to apply to people
in all different types of sex relationships, not just couples.
I believe it contains fundamental concepts that can radically
alter your perspective on sex. Sex today is so performance pressured,
and I hope the film can counter act that by showing ways to improve
sexuality, not performance. I tried to cover lots of different
aspects of sacred sex that people may want to pursue in more depth.
I wasn't attempting to be an authority on Tantra, I've simply
presented ways people have found to help them improve their sexuality
which are based on ancient Tantric arts.
Star on a mission
Christine Niyaso Carter acted as couples
tutor and sexuality adviser on the film. She spent several
years in Asia learning Eastern meditation, Tantric practices,
and yoga. Her work is a synthesis of her Eastern training
and of therapies such as Gestalt, Voice Dialogue, Breathwork,
Movement Awareness and Creation Technologies. Christine
and her partner David were one of the couples featured in
the film.
CL: Did you have any initial misgivings
about demonstrating lovemaking in the film?
CARTER: Yeah, I certainly did. It's very
scary to know you're going to be viewed naked by anybody,
fantasised about, judged and wanted. 'But I felt the only
material that's out there and the only people that are willing
to show sex is porn stars, so I felt the real need to use
the technology we have available today fully, and not out
of some prudish reason of conservatism to go: "Well
no, we'll talk about it, write about but, but not have it
be seen." There is so much to be seen in it - you see
by a smile, you hear by the sound of the voice the love
that actually does transpire in a way that written words
cannot. So I was willing to do that, to offer people something
different. I know some people may think : "just fancy
porn stars" - and may view it that way and use it that
way, but I also know that there will be people who will
simply be able to appreciate the difference, see the beauty
and sacredness and be able to model from it.
CL: How did you extract the best out of
the couples you advised on the set?
CARTER: First, the couples involved weren't
acting, so my role was more about helping them to relax
in front of the cameras. They all experienced it as a supportive,
enhancing environment, so it felt good all round and they
felt they benefited from the experience. In my professional
life it is my role to work with couples - in my whole arena
of teaching one of my specialities is to be right there
when couples are going through an experience. One of the
couples were friends of mine who were going through a lot
of relationship issues at the time, and it actually helped
them because they were so in their process they were willing
to accept input that way. I know it's a very unusual type
of therapy-here you are, being intimate, getting sensual
and loving and here's someone saying: "See if you can
just allow your love to come through", or "It's
okay to feel your tears and shed them". In the therapy
context, as well, working in this way is very avant garde.
Some couples you sit with and talk to and hear their problems
or listen to their desire for a more fulfilling and sacredness
in their sexlife, and this in itself is very valuable and
sometimes all that is needed or appropriate. But once you
actually see a couple interact, that's when you get what
their dynamic actually is - when you see how energetically
they are in their intimate experience. So it wasn't that
hard for me to work with the couples in the film, especially
because they were willing and all of them were in tune with
exploring themselves.
CL: What do you feel when you see yourself
in the film?
CARTER: My first reaction was fear- I have
to admit that. Imagining people's judgement and that goes
back to my Catholic upbringing. Then again, I also have
that part in me that knows somehow this is right action
for me. There are moments in the film where I go: "This
is beautiful." There certainly isn't anything in me
that would choose to do what I did if it weren't for a reason.
But because of my work and because of my personal experience
I know how many people are suffering from a lack of information
and a lack of right input about their sexual and intimate
life, so if there's even a chance that they will discover
something new for themselves I'm willing to let myself be
involved if I believe that's what it takes.
CL: Who do you think will benefit from seeing
the film?
CARTER: Time will tell, but my hope is that
the person on the street who has never been exposed to the
human potential movement or meditation or Tantric sexuality
will discover it for themselves. Everyone has sexuality
and almost everyone has trouble with some part of their
intimate relating, so the film is something that speaks
to people. I hope that through discovering the film they
will not only discover a better sexual connection but also
meditation and spirituality. I know the film was made for
people who hadn't been exposed very much at all to the idea
of sacred sexuality or the idea of spiritual sexuality,
or any idea that sex can be more than just this thing that
you do because you're married and somehow hanker for it.
I know this film will talk to just about anyone. Even in
the course of making it, couples working on the film who
thought they knew it all found a lot of reminders in it.
They said after watching it two or three times something
shifted in our lovemaking even though they thought there
was nothing new in it for them.
CL: And your favorite parts of the film?
CARTER: The real slow, sensual
parts. I like all the explanation, it's necessary, but my favorite
parts in the film are what my favorite parts of lovemaking are
- that moment when you don't really need to do anything because
the energy is already at a place where even without any movement
at all it's just becoming more and more alive. There are a couple
of moments like that where you just see that quiet, yet so incredibly
alive static space. I also love the communication segment. I hope
it prompts people watching to start communicating about something
that's not working for them, and I really hope that will benefit
couples.
Perfect consultants
Kerry and Diane Riley are Tantric teachers
- they have been exploring Sacred Sex and Tantric lovemaking
during the 15 years they have been committed to each other.
There was little information available on the subject 10
years ago, so they set out to explore for themselves, much
in the way a craftsman wanting to hone his particular skills
would. Their journey has taken them to the United States
and India to research Tantric texts and seek out Tantric
experts. They have lectured throughout Australia, New Zealand,
Japan, Canada and the United States to more than 50,000
people. Their deep level of expertise made them the perfect
consultants for Sacred Sex 2.
CL: What does your work entail as Tantric
teachers?
KERRY: We look at happy couples who want
to explore all there is in their lovemaking but who see
their sexuality as a way to explore more love in their lives.
The people we work with are willing to explore all there
is together. We've moved more towards the "we-generation".
Diane and I are in this thing together- we're going in as
a couple on a journey into love. We work with couples who
are prepared to say: "I have a happy relationship,
I'm in love with my beloved, I'm with him or her for a lifetime,
I love my sex, my spiritual connection and we want to be
great at the things we really enjoy in life."
CL: Why do we need to be taught sacred sex?
KERRY: Every other skill in society is catered
for. If you want to be a great architect or a great scientist
you explore all there is to know. You'll go to courses,
read books, listen to tapes - go into training. No musician
will work just on his own knowledge and experience. They
will source the best information available in the world.
DIANE: Women are now allowed to enjoy sex,
even able to initiate it. Even though they can have more
orgasms, they still say: "'I often feel empty at the
end of a wonderful lovemaking session, even with a wonderful
partner." I feel this is their lack of being able to
connect spiritually with their partner- they want that spiritual
connection. For a man to be a good lover in the 90s, not
only does he have to be good at technique, be open, be,
able to cry and share deeply with his partner, he has to
be able to connect spiritually as well.
CL: What is ecstatic lovemaking about?
KERRY: The ecstasy we feel is deep love
for a human being, and if you can blend that with sex, then
you've moved to a different realm of your lovemaking. And
if you go further, you can turn that into an experience
of being totally lost in the universe, transcending time
and space so that there's a sense that something else is
being touched beside your emotions, beside your sensations
- it's like your soul is being touched. People are often
afraid to try Tantric lovemaking because they have this
image of it as something where you take off your clothes
and everyone watches you screw in the middle of the room.
I believe this film is the best vehicle to show people what
sacred sex really is about.
CL: When you were approached to be in the
film, did you have any reservations?
DIANE: I was excited to participate in the
making of this film because I feel education is so important.
To explore Tantra in workshops is fine, but to produce a
film that can reach so many more people is my ideal. I think
it's wonderful to give people an insight that lovemaking
can be this way, as well as their own beautiful ways.
KERRY: We chose what we wanted to do in
the film. We demonstrated the spiritual side of Tantra:
how to turn sex into devotion which is an aspect that really
speaks to couples, especially women. I'm happy to show my
connection with Diane and my devotion to the world.
CL: What do you see as the film's purpose?
KERRY: Sacred Sex 2 has the potential for
being a wonderful vehicle for exploring more love in your
life.
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Body,
Heart, and Soul
by Mary NurrieStearns
Lotus Magazine Summer 1994
Body, Heart, and Soul is an opportunity
for people to restore their capacity for open and profound
ways of relating and sexual sharing. This seven day intensive
training program explores the roots of our sexual being
and is structured as a series of experiences designed to
heal the sexual-sensual and emotional wounds that many people
in our society carry. The healing and educational sessions
serve to dissolve fears, guilt, shame, and restrictive beliefs
that decrease the pleasures of intimacy and sexual loving.
The workshop is highly experiential; it uses movement, music,
creative art, breath work, hypnotherapy, and meditation
in a context of intimate and playful sharing that promotes
full aliveness of body, feelings, energy, and awareness.
Alan Lowen developed this program in response
to the need for an education that would heal the cultural
taboos and personal wounds people have suffered and enable
us to celebrate the natural sexual, sensual beings that
we are. The training is a laboratory for healing, selfacceptance,
play, inner awareness, sensuality, and pleasure as participants
deepen their capacity for love and awareness. People learn
to move their bodies, to be playful, and enjoy pleasure.
Many people experience life through impaired
senses. They only "half-see" and "half-hear"
because they have deadened their senses to protect themselves
from pain. As they learn to notice and be guided by whatever
senses they do feel, more senses gradually become available.
With increasing awareness, intuitive senses develop and
subtle energies emerge. Spiritual living is the result of
profound sensitivity which means that our senses are receiving.
By being touched on the surface of our bodies and in our
feelings, bellies, and hearts, a sense of caring grows.
The more we feel, the more we care, and the more we are
able to find love.
We are all touched by violence. We live
through episodes of pain in order to become loving. We discover
love when we are willing to live and feel everything through
our senses. As we are able to experience our senses, everything
that hinders our ability to love falls away. We don't have
to learn love, we have to dare to live everything that blocks
the path way to love.
Becoming loving and aware is part of our
journey of self-acceptance. We allow and include all of
our feelings, energies, and experiences as real. We accept
rather than deny, reject, or suppress our inner reality.
Awareness is the ability to listen, feel, and see without
judgment. It is 'waking up' and recognizing clearly what
is happening. We have to be aware and to care so that we
can be guided by love.
This training takes people on a journey
of accepting inner experience and who we are. Self-acceptance
is loving self with all its imperfections, fears, failings,
talents, and challenges. Self-acceptance enables us to love
others. We can only love others after we have learned what
loving is within ourselves.
During the days of training, situations
are created where people truly experience themselves. Sadness,
fear, pain, libido, and erotic desires are touched. At times
people may be unable to allow sadness, joy, sexual arousal,
or loneliness. When that happens, staff approaches them
gently and says, "You can allow yourself to keep living;
you don't have to die in this moment. Dare to feel."
You will discover that the world doesn't end, people don't
walk off, and the ground doesn't cave in under your feet.
Life will go on and you will feel more alive. In this way,
people reclaim aspects of themselves that they are frightened
or mistrustful of or have rejected. When they permit themselves
to feel more, they become relaxed, as powerful feelings
and energies emerge, which then become resources to draw
upon. Recognizing sadness enables us to experience compassion
and empathy. Sexual energy gives passion and aliveness.
Playfulness awakens creativity.
Throughout the week participants are asked
to accept and celebrate their whole being- body, heart and
soul. All are honored with integrity and wholeness. The
body is the physical home of the soul. Honoring that oneness
is a way to recognize where power really exists. Our culture
separates us from most body experience and our sexuality
from our being. When any power center, or part of the body,
is cut off, people feel disempowered. Consequently, they
often play games in relationships to gain a sense of power.
Having power is important and taking power from somebody
can feel good whether the technique is seduction, domination,
or guilt.
The only real solution to abusive relationships
is for people to claim their true source of power-which
is embodied. Our physical world is our direct link to spiritual
power, our authentic source of power. When we recognize
our true source of power we make relationship choices with
integrity. Power and love become integrated.
During the training, experiences are designed
to help people become embodied and to accept pleasure as
natural and good. The program is experiential because simply
understanding something does not produce change. These exercises
evoke body memory where healing and learning occur on a
cellular level. The body, our deeper inner-knowing part,
assembles and integrates the exposed information. The body
has a unison and wisdom. Given opportunity, it will work
through old wounds and integrate new possibilities. Becoming
embodied is often painful as well as pleasurable. It often
requires passage through a tremendous amount of shame, induced
by the cultural indictment that our interior life is bad
or unimportant.
Participants move to music throughout each
day. Music is a universally accepted form of touch. It is
a direct touch. Vibrations of sound intimately touch our
physical bodies and our emotional beings. Participants also
do spontaneous drawings, illustrating facets of themselves.
Drawing is a way to reveal various aspects of truth, unique
for each individual. People draw quickly, without thinking,
allowing the unconscious can produce the images. Physical
touch is another way to connect with 'body' consciousness
or unconsciousness. As participants touch and massage one
another in groups, they work through intimacy issues such
as fear of touch, mistrust of others, and discomfort with
pleasure.
All the exercises are done within the workshop
community. Since our culture is disrespectful of our sexual
nature, it is seldom honored and celebrated in community.
Re-owning our bodies, our power, and our sexuality occurs
most profoundly within the context of a loving group. The
community becomes a safe space for people to appreciate
the nature of their bodies. We are indoctrinated to dislike,
distrust, deny, and even to dread our bodies. We are not
educated to accept and appreciate our bodies-our physical
form and the sensitivity, playfulness, and vitality with
which we are naturally endowed. Learning to love all that
you are is most powerfully accomplished when we experience
ourselves nude among others who are learning this, too.
After group trust is established, participants are encouraged
to take off their clothes in some activities and allow themselves
to feel comfortable being in their own bodies.
Our culture sexually abuses us when it teaches
us to fear and mistrust our sensual and sexual nature, to
treat it like a commodity, and to deny its sacredness. This
week helps people restore a sense of delight and innocence
in being man or woman -becoming free to experience sensual
aliveness and sexual feelings while embracing all the joy,
sorrow, fear, anger, pain, excitement, laughter, and love
that is hidden in our bellies and hearts. As we accept our
nature we become graceful and balanced, peaceful and loving,
self-confident and powerful.
For more info and current schedules
on the Body,
Heart & Soul Workshops
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What
a Difference a Touch Makes
by Paul Carter, Ph.D.
I watched it over and over again in my own
life and in the people who come to groups I lead. People
can be in the midst of months- or year-long depressions,
frustration, anxiety, grief, shock, and stress and then
all of a sudden receive a few hours of gentle touch and
become transformed, relieved, alive, accepting, able to
let go... and so, so beautiful.
And I'm not talking about well trained massage
or healing touch. I mean the pleasurable, sensitive, playful
touch that we all know how to give just because we're human,
a touch that seems to say and remind you that it is good
to be human.
After receiving enough good touch, I watch
people breathing easier, accepting life as it is with tears
and laughter, coming into the state of just "being"
that opens us to experience the grace and beauty in all
parts of our lives!
The touch can happen in many forms, not
just physical. Sometimes we are touched by a powerful melody,
or the sight of the sun rising and setting, a letter from
a friend, the innocent way your child sings to herself in
the mirror, or some simple act of kindness like when a stranger
helps you carry a heavy bag to your car.
All these instances seem to be ways of touching
some aspect of our humanness, whether it be our beauty and
splendor or our shared dependency, and through touching
our humanness, acknowledging and embracing it.
But there is nothing like the actual physical
touch that can solidify in a lasting way this basic good
feeling of being human. I remember being told of Native
American tribes who considered their warriors who returned
from battle to be no longer human and so would massage and
touch and sing to them continuously for days until they
became "human beings" again. If only we had done
that with our veterans, how much healthier we all might
be.
I guess it is like the touch of the Mother
to the Baby, that seems to be the most direct way of communicating
to all people, " You are OK. You are safe. Everything
is alright."
There have been so many studies documenting
the physiological and psychological benefits to babies receiving
human touch and the tremendous adverse effects from lack
of touch. It is clear to me that these effects do not diminish
after infancy or childhood, that we continue to need and
be renewed by touch throughout our lifetimes as human beings.
We all need to make space in our lives each day and each
week to receive a few hours of touch.
What a difference a touch makes.
For more info and current schedules
on the Body, Heart & Soul
Workshops
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