Write On
Maui

story
by
Mike O'Brien

THE TUB BOAT

Three men went hiking through the woods One was a Roofer, one was a Painter and one was an Economist. On the way, they walked across a small stream to explore a tiny island that had a lot of strange looking trees and flowers.

The Roofer was excited as one of the trees looked like a tar tree. It was a wonderful find, since he had read about tar trees before, but had never seen one.

They all lost track of time, and it began to get dark. Then it started raining. In a short period of time the rain became a deluge. The small stream they had wadded across before had now become a river. The tiny island was starting to submerge as the river continued to rise, and darkness was settling in.

The Roofer noticed a dirty, old, copper, elongated, horse-watering tub leaning against a tree, and suggested maybe they could all fit in it, and float to the other side. However, when they inspected it, they found many small holes that would cause the tub to leak.

The Roofer said it would do ok, and told them not to worry. He then scraped some sap and tar from the tar tree, mixed it together, spit into the concoction, (all roofers spit in their roofing tar for good luck) and began to patch up all the small holes.

The Painter, not to be outdone, began to paint the tub to look like a boat, He painted port holes on the sides, and painted an American flag on the stern. He was so proud of his work that when he finished, he painted the name, ‘Tub Boat’ on the bow.

The Economist started figuring the approximate cost of a tub boat like the one they put together, and said maybe they could get a government bail out package for it after they safely reached the other side. All three men joined hands, said a prayer, and christened the boat together.

The three men took off their backpacks, loaded what food they had on board, and proceeded to climb into the tub boat. They shoved off into the river. It was slow going as they had no oars, and had to use their hands to paddle. Soon the boat patches started leaking and they began slowly sinking.

They started yelling desperately for help. A big fish came alongside, and said, “Hi, guys, my name is Nancy Pelosi, and, if you will give me half of your money and your food, I will help you. I can swim under the tub boat, and hold it up while you paddle to shore.”

The Economist gave Nancy half of their money and food, and asked her what she was going to do with it. She replied would use it to help fund two of her very important projects. One was to teach fish to swim more gracefully, and the other was to fund a study to understand what the fish were saying to us when they made bubbles with their mouths. Both of these propjects, she knew, would help solve the unemployment problem.

Nancy went on to say the Democrats and Republicans on both sides of the isle, would think these projects were wonderful, and would attach them to the stimulus bill.

The Economist said he thought Nancy was brilliant; she had a magnificent plan and they were glad to help her. The big fish went under the boat, but immediately resurfaced. They asked her what went wrong, and she said she underestimated how long it would take, and quickly swam away.

The boat was taking on more water, and the three hollered once again for help.

A large shark came to the tub boat. “Hi, guys! My name is Barney Franks. I want you to give me all your food and money. If you do not, the sky will turn black, the world will come to an end, and we will all die.”

The Economist asked Barney what he was going to do with the money, and Barney said he had a wonderful program that he had added to the stimulus bill that would hire more little page boys for the House. He said he thought so much of this program, he, himself would be in charge. He would have the little boys live over at his house, and would conduct the training himself at no cost to the taxpayers. By doing this, it would help the housing crisis, and save the country from a depression.

“What a great wonderful; program, Barney,” said the Economist. We should all do what we can to help the economy.” He gave Barney the rest of their food and money. Barney said, “Good luck getting to shore safely.” He took the money and quickly swam away.

Left alone in the river, and slowly sinking, the men became depressed and once more began yelling for help.

Then a huge giant turtle swam up to the tub boat, and said, ”Hi, guys! I am Rush Limbaugh, and I will save you. If you climb on my back, I will take you to dry land where you will be safe.”

The Economist said, I don’t trust him, and I am not going to get on this damn turtle’s back.” He stayed with the sinking tub boat.

The Painter and Roofer climbed on the turtle’s back, and the turtle took them safely to shore. The Roofer and Painter told the turtle they had no money left to pay so Rush said he wanted the Painter to paint a large sign on the back of his shell with big letters for the entire world to see. It must read: “I am Rush Limbaugh. Trust and follow me. I will save our country with one flipper tied behind my back, for I am a gift to you from God.” Do this and your debt will be paid in full.

The Painter began painting the sign as directed, but unknown to the turtle, he painted the sign with water colors, and when the turtle went under the water, the sign washed away.

The Roofer said, “Thank God for Painters. This proves there are still many thinkers left in this country, and in the end they will save us from the fish, sharks, and turtles. Then this country will be great again."

There is a moral to this story, which is never, never believe politicians, and never, never get in a tub with an Economist, or you will sink with the tub.